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A long time ago, in a service named GEnie, where many science fiction and fantasy writers, comickers and fans played there was a thread in a folder. The folder's name I've forgotten, but the thread's name was "Things That Make You Go Euuuw!"
"Things" was a collection of user-told stories about dead mice, rats, seagull poop, excretia. They were gross stories, and they were fucking hilarious.
I have been meaning to do this for, actually, years now. I can't think of a better way to welcome everyone to my revived Blogger space (until my divalea.net site opens with WordPress installed).
So: ALL PLAY! Tell your gross stories. If they're especially gross (anal fissures, paging Nick Locking), give some space and a warning at top. They must be something you did, that happened to you, or you witnessed.
As usual, once there are posts, I will share one of my own. GO!
12 comments:
I used to work as a cook and baker at a small coffee shop. Since I had to be at work at 4:00 am, I missed the employee party the night before. It started at sushi, but ended at the shop I guess. I noticed the shop was a little messy, and there was a strange smell coming from the kitchen.
Well, I went about my work, and about an hour into it I bumped a bottle of almond extract into the trash. When I went to pick it back out, I felt something wet.
Apparently somebody couldn't make it to the bathroom during the party, and decided that my trashcan was as good a place as any to go. I figured out what the smell was. It was diarrhea. Yeah, that was awesome.
So after vomiting, I washed my hands and went back to work. I sacrificed the almond extract, and later won a prize at an employee Christmas party for grossest story. I won a candy pooping Santa. Appropriate? Yes.
- Carl
This one may be more cute than gross, but parents will get this one if noone else.
My daughter and I went to one of those McDonalds that serves ketchup in those little paper cups instead of the packets. Loaded up on ketchup since my daughter loves the stuff.
I had several cups lined up for her enjoyment, and I turned to get something, and when I turned back, all the little ketchup cups were gone. I was puzzled, looked around, finally asked my daughter where they were. She refused to answer. I asked again, reminding her that she was not in trouble or anything. She still refused to answer. I said give them up or I'll take the happy meal toy; she sighed and relented.
She opens her mouth to reveal where all the little cups went. She got the smart ideal of sucking the ketchup out of the cups as she chewed on them. I told her to give them back; I regretted it immediatley when she spit them out onto the table.
Got new ketchup, gave back the toy, fought nausea the rest of the meal. Still laugh about it to this day.
Well, it is tres gross, and it happens around here all too often. After a hearty breakfast or dinner, a cat or cats will heave it all back up. Then, depending on the cat, kitty will either just leave it there, or gobble it all right back up, having to compete with several other cats who all want some of that free hot meal. EEEEEEEWWWWwwwwwww!
When I was a little kid I kept a pair of chameleons as pets. I fed them mealworms, which stank up the room but since I was a kid I didn’t care. One day the mealworms escaped. They murdered the chameleons by chewing their eyeballs out, got out of the aquarium and spread throughout my room. When I came back from school they were hanging from the curtains and hiding under the sheets. I didn't sleep in that room for months.
I used to work in the gross room of a Histopathology lab helping to cut up bits of people for analysis. There's plenty I've seen that could be considered gross but one that takes the cake...
My first week working at the lab I was given specimen discard duty. (Hapless newbies always got that job.) I had the flu but I was too afraid to go home in case I was fired for calling in sick my first week of work.
I was doing fine, for someone who was already nauseated, with opening up containers, draining off the preservative liquid, and dumping specimens into biohazard waste recepticles until I came across...
****This is your chance to look away from the screen.****
..a three month old rotting placenta in a plastic container with no preservative liquid. I opened the lid and the overwhelming stench of rot and placenta washed over me.
I puked in my face mask.
This is not a story -- just a phrase that my wife (of all people!) coined that simultaneously sickened me horribly and deepened my love for her wonderfully twisted mind.
Two words:
Diarrhea tears.
(Funny: I'm realizing that it can be read "tears" as in coming from the eyes, which was the intent, or as "tears" as in ripping. I imagine that anal injuries suffered from intense diarrhea may qualify, too, as sufficiently disgusting...)
I have had two or three things medical things which have happened to me that probably qualify, though at the time were very matter of factual, and only really resulted in me being perfectly comfortable being examined intimately by medical staff. Either might class as oversharing, but they probably aren't that gross.
Notable:
You either know what a frenulum is, or you don't. Wikipedia is, in the latter case, either your good friend or most terrible enemy.
It's a part of the body that most of the time you're only really very vaguely aware exists. As a young man, it's taken enough for granted that you wouldn't expect it could be easily snapped.
It can, apparently! Especially during sex. It doesn't hurt, but it bleeds. A LOT.
In my case, it wasn't noticed until after the sexytimes were over. We both assumed that the sopping pool of blood was from her - she was mortified and ran to the loo. It was only during post-coital fidgetting as I tried to clean up that I realised that I was still bleeding, funny little rhythmic pulses of blood.
Reading that back, now, I'm not sure how I didn't pass out.
Also:
I once had to see a specialist about some gut problems. One particular visit required the intrusion of a camera on a long metallicey tentacle thing via a very private channel.
It felt a little odd lying coiled on my side on the clinic bed, bottom open to the room, as the whole undignified affair occured. It didn't feel as horrid as one might think, but what got to me was the perkiness of proctologist and his nurse.
He cheerfully pointed out things inside me on the screen above me like a taxi driver taking me the scenic route - "Oh, look: there's a tiny bit of poo."
When I asked her what the cold liquid that I felt spraying on my skin was, she laughed loud, and said - "Oh, just water - don't worry, nothing objectionable."
Which was unnerving, but not nearly as creepy as the point when the thing was really quite deep, and I could see it moving around under the skin of my stomach, like an alien chestburster.
Um... not "bottom open". "Bottom bared". My bad.
Can I add another one -- comics related, actually? Several years ago in December one of my editors, Bob Schreck (I name him here because he's proud of this), had to have his gall bladder removed. His Christmas cards that year featured a picture of the removed diseased organ in a lovely terrarium habitat with plastic monsters.
I SAW THAT CARD. I almost threw up!
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